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Go to Kitty Reflects9/27/03

11/8: I wrote the first part below on 9/27/03 as the contents of a card sent to my sister Mary 2 days after the early return from her home in the UK following the events I write about below. The second was the message in a belated e-birthday card sent to my youngest brother, Chris, with whom I'd had no communication for several years. The final is a message I started with intentions of sending to my former husband; unfortunately he has gained little understanding of me or himself in the 4 years following the dissolution of our 31 years of marriage, so it was not finished and sent - though I did share some similar thoughts in a much later email prompted by his detailed description of my earlier episodes (from his perspective) in response to Paul's request while I was "in the throes". **Kitty

With Paul's capable and loving assistance, I'm well on the road to recovery. Tonight's considered dancing will be postponed to tomorrow night - Paul needs some more much needed rest. And besides, I can always dance at home - which I've alredy been doing to Yanni's Reflections of Passion, a beautiful CD.

By the way, note that the last date for the "Virgo" category is Sept 22 - my "Manic Monday". Quite a coincidence, wouldn't you say; something I didn't realize until I saw this card, which just happened to catch my immediate attention in the selection that appeared for returning a card to you.... But then I hadn't put much personal meaning into the phrase "manic Monday" until now. Many people have them of course, after a weekend - mine just happened to be after a weekend of no mental rest and actually, in retrospect, continued into Tuesday and started another cycle again on Wednesday continuing into Thursday, when Paul decided that our bag of various supplements and those in the local health food store were insufficient to allow my mind to cease operation and let me sleep.

I still feel somewhat like I'm on a boat at sea with the waves changing in intensity under me. Gently rocking at times, increasing more rhythmically, and occasionally becoming so vigorous that I become nauseated and even fear that I am in danger. Paul is here and I can always turn to him, and have done so many times already today - even occasionally in tears when I remember something especially emotional, negatively. Remembering is not a bad ability of humans. It is a tool we have to recall the past that we wish could be repeated and that which we want never to be repeated. I know of no way to actually cause the past to exactly repeat in all its detail, but we all have the ability to determine what aspects of a past experience we wish to keep with us for our betterment. This ability is often not automatic, but instead requires a certain degree of assistance from knowledgeable others. But each of us can learn; we need only seek the assistance of someone(s) able and willing to provide the beneficial assistance for as long as we want and need it.

So that's some of what I've learned from this last experience. I think I probably have more yet to learn, and I'll share it with you.

Much Love, Kitty ..and Paul too, of course.

There once was a little girl named Katherine Elizabeth Antonik, but her parents decided before she was born that they would call her Kitty. Now Kitty was a very curious little girl and because she was the first child that Ben and Irene had, they spent a great amount of time with her... She was also the oldest of 5 children - the youngest was Christopher Gerard, also known as Chris by his big brother and his 3 sisters, who all loved him very much because he was just the cutest thing when he was born in Hawaii where the family had gone because Ben (actually Bronislaw Paul) was in the US Navy and he was now stationed at Barber's Point...

There are so many stories I could tell since, as the oldest, I heard much that my younger brothers and sisters just never knew was occuring. But until very recently, much of the value of the memories was lost in my own head - actually locked in and unable to come to the surface of my conscious mind in such a way that even the value of remembering was clear.

I know what it is like to be confused and afraid that the decisions being made may be wrong. I know what it is like to search for answers and hope that what one sees and hears and thinks is of real value to the decisions of life that must be made. I know what it is like to regret that different decisions were not made in the past, that opportunities had not been lost, that loved ones were not gone...maybe forever ... actually so in some cases. I know what it is like to hope that the decisions being taken now are those that will result in a better tomorrow, a better me, a better me...for all I can affect is just myself directly...only by persuasion and example can I have effects on others... no force is proper for others to exact on me .. no force can I morally exact on others.. if I do so unintentionally, I must restitute for the harm I have caused.


It has been a long time since we communicated - a situation for which I do not know the causes. However, I hope that you will find value in keeping in touch with me and finding out more of the never ending story...

Your loving "big" sister,

Septembers have been significant in my past and now in my present, and probably in my future. I thought you might find it interesting to hear some of that wonder and peaceful thinking I've been doing this past week, interspersed with some other emotions. It has been a period of definite turmoil and intensity - but the thunder and lightening and rain has brought a new understanding ... a certain degree of peacefulness in between the times of concern that the storms will return... not as gentle rains but possibly with a flood of emotions that I will have difficulty controling. But circumstances are different now... I have better skills of my own and a helpmate who, despite his own concerns that he does not have the knowledge himself, is willing to risk appearances to find the path that will bring a better today in the hopes that he will find an even better one tomorrow... who is willing and eager to share his concerns about himself with me as I do likewise with him.

This has not been a reminder of weaknesses or faults that you had regarding our relationship but rather a way of telling you that I now better understand the difficulty you had

I've provided a considerable amount of explanation for the bipolar mania I experienced, starting on 9/22 and ending approximately 3 weeks later, on the MoreLife Yahoo group - specifically in message 295 and in additional message comments that follow. The more recent letter to my Aunt Wanda in the next Kitty Reflects entry, however, is more complete in many ways.


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Initially posted 11/8/03
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